Ask the Coach - Parenting after Separation
Ask the Coach - Parenting after Separation
“My partner and I broke up near the end of last year after a long time together. They initiated the break-up, and it came as a complete surprise to me. I’m still devastated, but we chose to remain as friendly as possible for the sake of our two young children. My ex-partner began dating soon after and has been in a consistent relationship for the last 2-3 months. The kids have met this individual and have spent lots of time with them, but I think it’s starting to wear on the kids. They dread going to my ex-partner’s place, beg me not to send them, and often come home upset. I think it’s too soon for the kids to process the idea of another parent-figure in their lives - but the first time I mentioned this, my ex-partner brushed me off as jealous. They are a truly great parent but seem to be wrapped up in new love. How can I get them to listen? And help them understand I’m just looking out for our children.”
Thanks,
Signed, Concerned parent.
Dear Concerned parent
Navigating the co-parenting mind field is challenging at the best of times, no less with the introduction of a new partner. Ideally, planning how and when to tell your children about the new love interest would have been something to do together. As with your co-parenting arrangements, discussing how to handle difficult or challenging circumstances that will ultimately impact the kids are things you should do as a team.
I don’t have to tell you how complicated a separation can be, so remind your ex how difficult it must be for a child trying to figure it all out. Together it would be best if the two of you could speak openly about the separation and their feelings. The introduction of a new person will be confusing unless you as parents are in unison with what you are telling the children.
His new relationship is clearly important to him but mustn’t come at the expense of the children’s feeling of security and safety. Both of you must reiterate and reinforce that they are safe, loved, and they’ll never be abandoned by either parent.
Understandably, it is easy to get wrapped up in our own emotions and forget at times to check in with our kids. Clearly, it would be advisable for him to sit down and discuss how the time he has with the kids will be spent and how often this new person will be involved.
Work through a solution that places the children’s best interest at the forefront. Let him know you don’t begrudge his new relationship but are concerned that the kids are not comfortable and need their father and this may mean not always having his new partner present.
Your co-parent’s new partner is NEVER going to take your place as your children’s mom or dad. That role belongs only to you, forever and always. But by setting co-parenting boundaries that promote positive interactions, they can provide an extra dose of nurturing love and life experience to help your kids succeed.
And at the end of the day this is what matters – helping your kids grow and thrive with as much love and guidance as possible.
Wishing you the best,
Merrill
We have the pleasure of joining forces with Merrill Pierce, a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) accredited by Corporate Coach U, and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). She is also an accredited member of Society of Organizational Learning (SOL), and an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) mediator certified by the ADR Institute of Canada.
Merrill has spent over 20 years working at a number of Fortune 500 companies, of which 10 years were at the senior executive level. This background provides her with a solid and practical understanding of personal and professional issues, challenges, and concerns. Merrill is also a regular contributor to the media and has published several articles and white papers on business related topics.
Merrill is ready to tackle YOUR questions! Whether they are personal, or professional - she can anonymously answer your submissions, and help you navigate any relevant challenges occurring in your life. Doing so could help others in similar situations and scenarios. Merrill will also be presenting advice on relevant, general topics to help our readers. If you want to send a question to Merrill, please submit to askmerrill@gmail.com before the Monday of each week (otherwise your question may be held til a following week!).
