Ask the Coach - Encouraging Your Partner
Ask the Coach - Encouraging Your Partner
My husband is transitioning from his long-term career as his boss retires. He doesn’t love his position and he isn’t quite sure what to do. How do I motivate him to come to a conclusion? In the past, when we have troubles in our marriage, if I criticize him to point out the wrongs and offer advice on how to make them right, he often goes inward into mild depression, so I’m being very supportive and trying not to say the wrong thing. I want him to be happy and don’t know what to do to get his but in gear, because well, we need his income and his mental health in good shape!"
Dear Concerned Wife,
It seems as if you are not only frustrated but also nervous about the future and your husband’s decision regarding his work.
The first step is opening the line of communication and sharing all aspects of what concerns you or makes you feel uncomfortable. Being free to say to your husband that his indecision or lack of direction makes you fearful about the future is something that can be received with empathy and understanding. It is all in how you deliver this message.
Let me start with how best to motivate and provide constructive feedback and input, especially when it pertains to something very personal.
You must also be open to asking him directly about what is bothering him and what he is thinking about the current job or the future. To do this requires active listening, acknowledgement, and no judgement.
There is a big difference between constructive feedback and criticism. Constructive feedback is what you give your partner because you care about them and want them to grow as a person, but criticism is just an expression of something you do not like about your partner that you want them to change. "In other words, constructive feedback is given for their sake, while criticism is given for your sake.
You might want to start by literally asking your husband for permission to give your input. For example, you could say, "I've noticed some things," or "I have some observations, would it be helpful to talk about this?"
Remember criticism or even perceived criticism is rarely an effective technique for behaviour modification.
Working through issues that impact a couple is something that should be done together. Speaking about the pros and cons of choices, the financial implications as well as the impact on the relationship is what is required here.
It often helps to sit down and start with “what’s working,” opening a conversation with a positive is much more productive then going directly to what is not working and the perceived negative.
In my practice I have also had individual’s write down the things that they are worried about, fearful of and grateful for. They then share this with their counterpart for discussion. This often helps to reduce the emotional impact and allows for a more empathetic and receptive conversation. This is also an opportunity to validate each others’ feelings.
Try to partner with him on the solutions and direction. This is different from telling him what to do or how you would do it. The idea here is to work through this challenge in partnership as a true couple.
Remember to remind one another that you are a team and in this together.
Best,
Merrill
We have the pleasure of joining forces with Merrill Pierce, a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) accredited by Corporate Coach U, and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). She is also an accredited member of Society of Organizational Learning (SOL), and an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) mediator certified by the ADR Institute of Canada.
Merrill has spent over 20 years working at a number of Fortune 500 companies, of which 10 years were at the senior executive level. This background provides her with a solid and practical understanding of personal and professional issues, challenges, and concerns. Merrill is also a regular contributor to the media and has published several articles and white papers on business related topics.
Merrill is ready to tackle YOUR questions! Whether they are personal, or professional - she can anonymously answer your submissions, and help you navigate any relevant challenges occurring in your life. Doing so could help others in similar situations and scenarios. Merrill will also be presenting advice on relevant, general topics to help our readers. If you want to send a question to Merrill, please submit to submissions@explorefenelonfalls.com before the Monday of each week (otherwise your question may be held til a following week!).
