Ask the Coach - On Resentment and Forgiveness
By: Merrill Pierce
Dear Merrill,
I have had some major arguments with members of my family regarding a situation that occurred many years ago and remains somewhat unresolved.
The challenge is that I am holding on to some resentment towards people I love and instead of it getting better, it is causing me feelings of sadness. It makes family gatherings difficult and often painful.
I want to understand how to forgive not only them but also myself and my role in the situation.
I meditate on this but wonder if you might have a pointer or two on how to let go of the resentment and learn to forgive.
Thank you.
Learning to let go and forgive is very difficult. When someone does something that hurts us, our reasons for holding on to our hurt or anger may seem very clear. Once they have apologised, we are able to move on.
But things become much more difficult when it comes time to forgiving ourselves. When someone else hurts us, our anger can be self-protective. In a way, holding a grudge against them and demanding restitution keeps our self-image intact. We have successfully defended and maintained a personal boundary.
When we are upset with ourselves, though, it is because we’ve violated our values in some way. Because of that, our feelings are usually more complicated than just anger. We are mad at ourselves, yes — but we are also disappointed and ashamed. We have done damage and caused hurt to someone we love and now we are self punishing.
The past cannot be changed, and the future depends on the decisions we make today. Here are some ways you may be able to help yourself in the journey of forgiveness.
Responsibility: Accept what has happened and show yourself compassion.
Remorse: Use guilt and remorse as a gateway to positive behaviour change.
Restoration: Make amends with whomever you are forgiving, even if it’s yourself.
Renewal: Learn from the experience and grow as a person.
Go easy on yourself and be kind….
Best,
Merrill
We have the pleasure of joining forces with Merrill Pierce, a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) accredited by Corporate Coach U, and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). She is also an accredited member of Society of Organizational Learning (SOL), and an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) mediator certified by the ADR Institute of Canada.
Merrill has spent over 20 years working at a number of Fortune 500 companies, of which 10 years were at the senior executive level. This background provides her with a solid and practical understanding of personal and professional issues, challenges, and concerns. Merrill is also a regular contributor to the media and has published several articles and white papers on business related topics.
Merrill is ready to tackle YOUR questions! Whether they are personal, or professional - she can anonymously answer your submissions, and help you navigate any relevant challenges occurring in your life. Doing so could help others in similar situations and scenarios. Merrill will also be presenting advice on relevant, general topics to help our readers. If you want to send a question to Merrill, please submit to askmerrill@gmail.com before the Monday of each week (otherwise your question may be held til a following week!).
